Grief: Losing What We Love
Many of us may have no sense of grieving over the current Episcopal crisis. Yet, many others of us are grieving over the church.

What is grief?
The loss of anything significant results in grief. Grieving occurs when something is lost and readjustment is necessitated. Grief is a normal response which may include anxiety, fear, uncertainty, loss of equilibrium, and a feeling of not only something not being right but of something feeling terribly wrong. Something that was near and dear and close to us, something that was counted on is gone.

One grief specialist described the difference between mourning and grieving: mourning is external expression; grieving is internal feeling and processing. Mourning includes crying out to God in desperation, anger and exasperation; grieving is the aching and pain connected to the loss.

Grief can affect us physically, emotionally, cognitively, socially, and spiritually. Physically, grieving tires the person. Emotionally, there is shock, sadness, emptiness, and anger. Cognitively, there is disbelief, internal debate, and eventually some resolution. Socially, there is conflict with some, closer unity with others, and withdrawal for a season. Spiritually, there is bewilderment over how God can allow
this, frustration with others who disagree or will not take a stand one way or another or soon enough, and a reexamination of what really matters in Christian faith and practice.

Grieving can be a normal process or it can become pathological. Normal grief often involves intense sorrow, pain, stress, anger, depression, and corresponding physical symptoms along with changes in personal relationships over a long period of time. There is often denial, restlessness, disorganization, inefficiency, irritability, and apparent obsession with talking about the issue. When a person dies there is often recurring loneliness and depression, but when an institution dies this may appear more as apathy and hopelessness. The depths of these are experienced differently by different personalities, but healthy grieving eventually leads to a restoration of physical, mental, and relational well-being.

Pathological grief may include prolonged denial that something is lost, hyperactivity that seems frantic and fruitless, anger that is destructive and condemnatory, and impulsivity that may result in foolish words or actions that have severe consequences that were not anticipated.

One of the dangers in the present Episcopal controversy is a self-righteous indignation that makes a person feel entitled to lash out at those who differ, to attribute bad motives to those who hold a different opinion within their own congregation, diocese, or the denomination. Vigilance is needed in self-examination to avoid premature reaction and further damage as well as to forge constructive direction to move beyond the grief.

Grieving takes time
Grieving takes time—even years. In an American culture that values efficiency and pragmatism, people often minimize the reality of grief, feel embarrassed by its symptoms, and fail to acknowledge its inevitable process through time.

Perhaps the best-known outline of the process are the five stages observed by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross (On Death and Dying, 1969):

1. Denial (this isn’t happening to me!)
2. Anger (why is this happening to me?)
3. Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if . . .)
4. Depression (I don’t care anymore)
5. Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

In Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life, C. M. Parkes describes grief in four phases:

1. Numbness with denial, distress, and anger
2. Yearning for that which is lost
3. Disorganization with despair
4. Reorganization

Parkes’s framing may be especially helpful for understanding institutional loss. In the numbness phase there is denial as well as shock as reality unfolds. In yearning there is the urge to recover what has been or is being lost. In disorganization and despair, there is acceptance of the permanence and pervasiveness of the loss. And in reorganization of behavior a path and a plan for moving on is executed.

In institutional loss, much time is often required to plan and to build a new structure even though many want to run ahead of what may be feasible or timely. There is a struggle to have something new to trust in while salvaging as much as is possible from what was known and trusted. These phases are not necessarily sequential but more often are recurring with overlaps and setbacks.

How Johnny learns to grieve
In The Grief Recovery Handbook authors John James and Frank Cherry trace the story of a boy named Johnny. When five-year old Johnny’s dog dies, Johnny comes unglued. He bursts out crying because his best companion is gone. So Johnny’s dad consoles him by promising, “Don’t feel bad Johnny; we’ll get you a new dog right away.” In that one sentence, his dad offers steps one and two in society’s program for grief management: (1) bury your feelings, and (2) replace your losses. Once you have a new dog, you won’t even feel the pain of the loss. Several years later Johnny falls in love for the first time—only his love is not requited and the girl breaks his heart. Now mom comes to the rescue with, “Don’t worry son, there are other fish in the sea.” Translation: “don’t worry” means “bury the pain” and “there are other fish” means “replace the loss”. Johnny has steps one and two down cold.

One day while in school, Johnny receives the news that his maternal grandfather has died. Johnny is crushed and buries his head on his desk. His teacher can’t deal with the outward show of grief, so he sends Johnny to the principal’s office to wait for his dad. His dad picks him up and drives him home. As they walk in the front door, Johnny sees his mother weeping in the living room. He wants to go to her, but his dad says, “Not now, Johnny; mom needs to be alone.” So Johnny goes to his room and shuts the door and learns the third step in society’s program for grief management: (3) grieve your losses alone.

Over time, Johnny tries to overcome his feelings with academic achievements, athletics, extra-curricular activities, and a host of busy-ness to take his mind off his pain. But it just won’t go away. His father notices that Johnny has become a little moody and distant and preoccupied, so he asks what’s the matter. Johnny says he just can’t get his mind off his grandfather and how much he misses him. Then dad gently introduces him to the fourth step in society’s program for grief management: (4) “Johnny, give it time . . . time will heal the pain.”

Of course, time doesn’t heal the pain. Johnny continues to think about his grandfather and the fact that he never had the chance to say goodbye to him. The regret Johnny feels is overwhelming, so he says to himself, “What can I do about it now? I guess I’ll just live with regret for the rest of my life.” That becomes the fifth piece in his working philosophy toward grief management: (5) plan to live with regret; there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Johnny mulls this over and does a little relational math. He reasons, “Whenever I allow myself to get close to someone or something, it exposes me to the possibility of deep pain. Therefore, to make sure I don’t have to experience the anguish of this pain again, I’m going to keep an arm’s length from any close relationships that may expose me to this kind of pain.” Johnny has learned the sixth and final step: (6) wall up and never trust again. Don’t get too close to anyone or anything lest you get burned in the end.

So here are the world’s steps of grief management:

1. Bury your feelings
2. Replace your losses
3. Isolate yourself
4. Wait for time to heal
5. Regret
6. Distrust vulnerability

Does that sound familiar? It’s the program society has been offering for years.

Healthy grieving
Do you know what God has to say about this program? It doesn’t work! If we try to follow society’s program in grieving any sense of loss we may have in the midst of the TEC crisis, we stand to become victims of the toxicity of our own unprocessed pain.

The Letter of First Thessalonians admonishes the church: “We do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). When we come to the issue of possible anger or grief over the current crisis, this verse suggests that there’s more than one way to grieve. The verse also suggests that the Christian approach to grieving is a hope-filled approach, and that maybe others’ approach isn’t quite so hopeful.

Bill Hybels has outlined a helpful Christian approach to grief management that contrasts with the world’s method:

1. Feel your feelings—“Jesus wept” (John 11:35)
2. Review your loss—“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6–7)
3. Share your pain in Christian fellowship—“If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:10)
4. Pray for the Holy Spirit to heal—“I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever” (John 14:16)
5. Reconcile—“as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18)
6. Trust God with your future—“He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, he will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

What can we do?
The Bible is realistic about grieving. There is a time to be born and a time to die (Ecclesiastes 3:2). There are valleys of the shadow of death (Psalm 23). The coming Messiah is described as a man of sorrows and familiar with grief (Isaiah 53:3). Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).

God’s grace is sufficient to supply every need. The Holy Spirit is given as the Comforter who meets us at our point of need including the season of grief, but God’s plan is for believers to comfort one another with this same comfort, encouragement and support.

What practical things can we do to help ourselves or others to grieve healthily?

• Create margin in your schedule so that you have time to listen to God and are available for God to use you.
• Pray for the leaders of the church.
• Pray for all, that our words and actions would honor Christ.
• Seek God’s peace (shalom) with others, which demands the framework of justice and righteousness.
• Speak the truth in love.
• Acknowledge anger, but do not sin and give the devil an opportunity to hurt Christians, the church, or the cause of the gospel (see Ephesians 4:25–27).
• Take care of yourself during these especially stressful days—eat healthily, get appropriate rest, and exercise.
• Be there for one another to listen, comfort, and encourage.

Change & Adaptation
Life is full of change. Regardless of whether we’re grieving or not, the Episcopal crisis has presented our congregation with a number of changes that we cannot avoid (e.g., polarization, declining membership in TEC, redirecting resources towards dealing with the crisis, etc.). And just as grief can be dealt with in healthy or unhealthy ways, change can bring the best and the worst out of people.

Spencer Johnson’s brief but powerful book, Who Moved My Cheese, captures a simple truth: the very things that we take for granted can cause us the most angst when changed. Researchers in secular industries, such as Gene Hall and Shirley Hord (Implementing Change: Patterns, Principles and Potholes), have encouraged leaders to fine tune their abilities to anticipate and to adapt to change as soon as possible.

For the church, Jesus Christ provides us with the solid rock foundation to which we can anchor our lives. And the Scriptures provide the reference point to which the church must turn in order to align change in our lives with the purposes of the Lord.

Our resistance to and fear of change grows exponentially when we fail to participate in the process. Change is a process, not a product. As such, when we are confronted with change, we may experience a wide range of emotions and reactions. Some of us may feel exhilaration. Others may feel loss and sadness, even anger and grief. Others may not feel anything at first, or even later may wonder what all the fuss was about. Some may resent change that happens outside of their control. Perhaps we did not plan to change but now find ourselves reacting to changes as they happen.

Another principle of change is that plans and practice are two distinct phases that require both patience and time. Plans must sometimes be adjusted as they are actually put into practice. We constantly assess what’s working and what’s not. Plans and practice don’t always go at the speed that we would like. For some, change cannot come fast enough. Others need time to absorb, reflect on and study all of the whats, hows, whys, and what ifs.

We best respond to change when we are engaged in a horizontal rather than top-down process. It is the people of an institution, not the institution itself, that change. This is a key reason why small group ministry is so valuable in a church setting. Through small groups, individuals have time to process and participate in the changes by corporate prayer and discernment.

The small group is also the perfect place for Christians to support one another during times of crisis. Each member of a group is going to deal with change at their own pace. Some people are venturesome innovators who lead the way in promoting change as soon as it emerges. Meanwhile, others are cautious laggards who need more assurance before embracing change. The majority of people are at different stages between these two extremes. Our fellowship needs to be a safe place which allows each person to honestly express where they’re at in dealing with change.

Finally, let us continually remind ourselves of the love of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. It is through him and with him that we gird ourselves with the spiritual foundation essential to the 40 Days of Discernment. It is his Word that guides us, his teachings that inform us, and his care that energizes and gives us hope in the midst of any change.